By Dr. Anne Marie Evers copyright 2007

Are you Hurting, Don’t Know How to Forgive?

Do you wish to forgive your spouse’s betrayal?

THE 7 DAY FORGIVENESS PROCESS

DAY ONE
General Forgiveness – Forgiveness of Spouse’s Betrayal
Daily ‘Extended Toothbrush Exercise’

PROCEDURE
Do the following exercise to the best of your ability – You may not feel like doing it at first, but I can promise you that after you do it over and over, it will become easier and you will be so happy you persevered.

THE EXTENDED TOOTHBRUSH EXERCISE
This exercise will help you get back on track and help you learn to appreciate, love and respect yourself again.

When you get up in the morning and just after you have brushed your teeth, look at yourself in the mirror and say:

“Hey Self you are a mighty fine person. You are the greatest.” Then say, “I, (your name), now forgive everyone and everything that has ever hurt me, I now forgive myself, I love, respect and approve of myself just the way I am.

I now release all feelings of anger, disappointment of my mate’s betrayal of our love and I let them all go. They are gone. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Just feel the unconditional love going from you to you. You are saturated with self-love, respect and approval.

When you say ‘ever’ hurt me, that goes right back to when you were in your mother’s womb. Should too many memories surface at the same time just say, “One at a time please.” That way you can deal with one completely then release it before going on to the next one. You need to own the memory, feel the pain and then release and forgive it.

DAY TWO
Releasing Anger and Stating the Problem
(How you feel right now and—the one thing is bothering you the most)
For Example— Husband Betrayal

Your husband lied to you about working late for the past three months. He has admitted to having an affair with his co-worker. He feels guilty, and he ended the affair and now he wants you to forgive him and work on rebuilding your relationship/marriage.

Now you will need to decide what action is to be taken. It may not seem like it now, but forgiving is done for your healing and benefit. Do the Forgiving Process whether you go your separate ways or you decide to rebuild your relationship/marriage. Forgiveness promotes healing and good health. Forgiveness is very powerful and heals even the deepest of wounds. When
you forgive, your energy changes the physical structure of your cells and DNA. When you are embroiled in guilt, shame, or depression, you close down the energy systems of your body. All types of negative problems can erupt.
It may be time to do the following exercise.

FIERY ANGER EXERCISE
In your mind’s eye see yourself standing on a white, sandy beach. You see some twigs, sticks and pieces of dry wood lying around. Feel yourself picking them up and making a huge pile in the middle of the deserted beach. There are no trees, buildings or people near by. Just wide open space.

Now face the pile of sticks and wood and see the fiery anger coming out of you. Feel it rising from the tips of your toes. As you breathe it out this fire ignites the huge pile of sticks and it catches on fire. When all the fiery anger has left your body, watch the huge flames of the fire, standing backing at a safe distance. Hear the crackling sound, smell the smoke, feel the heat against your body and for taste visualize taking a drink of water.

Watch it as it burns every stick and piece of wood right down the sandy beach, (this could take a few minutes or longer). Wait for it as long as it takes.

See that the fire has burned down and become ashes on the beach. Watch as a huge wave washes over the ashes and all the fire is out. Savor that feeling of releasing all your anger. You feel so much better and a little drained so take a short rest.

Before you succeed in completely releasing your anger, you may need to repeat this exercise whenever you feel your anger erupting.

DAY THREE
Releasing and Letting Go of that Particular hurt.
The Balloon Exercise (in your mind)
How do you really feel about the whole situation?
Do you fear losing your marriage/relationship?

F E A R means
F - False
E – Evidence
A – Appearing
R – Real

Or as I say,
F - Find
E - Enlightening
A - Answers
R - Readily.

FEAR OF LOSS OF RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE

When people experience fear over losing their spouse or lover, it is rarely
that person they are afraid of losing. Usually, they fear the loss of their own feelings of being loved, cherished, and protected by him or her.

Look at and examine fear. If you fear losing your happiness, you never really had happiness at all. What you have is simply a false security based on familiar scenes, situations, and thoughts that have become habit. Real

happiness comes from within. It is an ‘inside job.’ What you really desire is self-acceptance and self-love. One of the best cures for overcoming fear is to learn to laugh at it. You are the only decision-maker in your Universe! You have the choice to control your fear and choose happiness!

Take time to think about it and view it from all angles. It is okay to get angry, punch the pillow, yell and scream.

It is also okay to say “Poor me after all I have done for him, Why me,” etc. and it is also okay to be the martyr and want to get even, for a short period of time. But please keep it short and do not take up ‘long term residency.’

When you decide that you are ready to move on, place all these thoughts, ideas, words and statements in balloons in your mind and release them and allow them to float up into the sky to be recycled into divine love. This is the healthy way to release hurt, anger and feelings of betrayal and anger.

FEAR RELEASING
BALLOON EXERCISE

You can also do this releasing exercise by placing your fears, worries, and phobias in a balloon before it is filled with air.*

*Because of the environmental hazard to marine life, we suggest that you do this exercise in your mind.

To release feelings of that hurtful spouse or the fear that you will never be able to make your relationship/marriage work. All the negative things he or she has done to you--the lies, the betrayal, the sneaking around, and breaking of your bond of love, trust and faithfulness into a balloon in your mind’s eye.

After placing all these fears and negative feelings in your mental balloon, cut the ropes and allow the balloon to float up into the sky to be recycled into unconditional love.
When doing this exercise Bring in the 5 senses:

See him or her
Feel how afraid, angry and hurt you are
Hear him or her talking to you
Smell fresh bread baking or wonderful smells of family dinners
For taste visualize biting into a juicy apple or taking a drink of fresh,
sparkling water.

DAY FOUR
The Martyr Quiz
Did you see yourself here?

The following Martyr Quiz will help you identify just how you are feeling so that you can become aware of your emotions and change them as you desire.

MARTYR QUIZ
· Do you feel that you are being overlooked and/or ignored?
· Do you feel unlovable?
· Do you feel inferior?
· Do you feel unattractive?
· Not smart enough?
· No educated enough?
· Not pretty enough?
· Not good enough?
· Not slim enough

· Undeserving?
· Do you have low self-esteem and body image?
· Do you feel that no one would want you?
· Not tall enough?
· Not smart enough?
· Not healthy enough?
· Do you feel like a doormat?
· Do you feel your feelings are bottled up inside of you?
· Do you feel trapped and angry?
· Do you find it difficult to forgive?
There are many other feelings that you may be experiencing.

Acknowledging your Part -- Getting it ‘Write’ Exercise
Write the answers to the following questions—
Was I somewhat to blame?
Was I too controlling?
Now that I know the truth, do I really want this relationship/marriage to work?
Do I want a divorce?
Did I nag too much?
Can I ever trust him or her again?
Will I be able to handle this betrayal and not allow it to destroy my self-esteem?
Did I listen to his or her dreams?
Did I make my spouse feel important?
Was I argumentative?
Did I spend too much time on the children?
Did I not appear interested in sex?
Did I keep myself attractive?
Did I want my own way?

Was I a loving, supportive husband/wife?
Did I use put-downs with my spouse?
Was I selfish?
Did I listen to him or her when they had a hard day at work?
Was I unreasonable?
Did I ignore my partner’s needs?

The answers to these questions are very important and can be used as ‘discovery tools,’ to find out exactly where you are in your Relationship/ Marriage. You may find that you need help. Talk to your doctor, priest, minister or trusted friend.

After you have written your list, sit down and really think about it.
How do you feel?

Can you handle working on the rebuilding of your relationship/marriage?
Is it too far gone to make it work?
Is it too late?

Allow all your feelings to surface, one at a time and really look at each one.

DAY FIVE
Planning the Confrontation Using The Proven Photograph Exercise

When you have the answers, plan Mutual Meeting Preparation.
- Prepare yourself
- Jot down what you wish to say
- If you are experiencing difficulty with saying the words, do The
Photograph Exercise.

You are dealing with a betrayal situation with your spouse. Now is the time to communicate, communicate, and communicate!

THE PHOTOGRAPH EXERCISE

Procedure: When you have trouble saying what you mean to your spouse, when he or she is not present, take a photograph of that person and place it in a chair. Then speak to it as you would if he or she was actually physically sitting in the chair.

Bring in all the emotions and place the emphasis on what you wish. This simple exercise really works wonders because when you actually say those words to that person, it is easier because you have already said them several times. Tell your spouse exactly how you feel, how hurt you are and ask why?

WIFE HUSBAND

Do you still love me? Is he better looking than me?
Do you love her? Does he earn more money?
Is she prettier than me? Is he a better dresser?
Is she sexier than me? Is he smarter than me?
Does she have a great figure? Is he more respected?
Is she a better lover? Does he have a better career?
Is she smarter than me? Is he a better lover?
Is she better organized? Is he in better shape than me?
Is she a classy dresser? Do you still love me?
Do you want our marriage to work? Do you want our marriage to work?

Ask these and many more . And then ask the burning question -
Will you stop seeing him or her?

After each question, stop for a minute or so and give your spouse a chance to answer you in your mind. The answers could pop into your mind and if you allow this process to take place, you will have a better understanding of how he feels, which will assist you when you confront them personally in real life.

DAY SIX
The ‘MEETING’ -- Affirmation Relationship Light Bulb for Forgiveness
USE YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND TO SET UP THE MEETING

Your subconscious mind is your ‘Magic Genie.’ What do Magic Genies say? They say, "Your wish is my command."

Set up your meeting with your spouse in your mind. Make is real and use vivid color. See the surroundings, what your spouse is wearing, what you are wearing. Set the scene with flowers, perfume or a pleasant scent (if you are having your meeting in your home). Visualize you being calm and in command of your feelings. Visualize the whole area filled with unconditional love.

Use bright colors, and bring in the 5 senses when visualizing.

See your spouse (exactly what he or she is wearing, how his or her hair looks, etc.)
Hear your spouse speaking directly to you in calm, kind words.
Feel the feeling of the unconditional love you have sprinkled all around the area.

Smell the scent of the flowers or scent
Taste – for taste have a glass of water where you can take a drink or if that is not possible visualize biting into a juicy apple or taking a drink of fresh, sparkling water.

You are setting the scene so that calmness, divine order and optimum loving-kindness are in control. You do not know at this point which way the talk in going to go. Just trust it will be to the highest good of all parties concerned, and that includes you, your spouse, children (if you have any) and family members.

Unconditional love gives out a current of love to all who come within reach and positive loving thoughts are attracted to it.

Please work very hard at NOT coming from a place of anger. When you are angry, you are not magnetic. You repel - as real love is giving.

BLAME
Make it your intention to avoid using blame. Blame is such a useless emotion. Never use it as a device for avoiding taking responsibility for your actions.

THE MOVEMENTS
Most people speak and move yet only the smallest part of what they say, just 30-35% of it, is really what they are thinking. The rest is revealed through body language. Is your spouse nervous? It may be time to put your shock, hurt and disbelief aside and pretend you are a ‘silent observer’ watching this meeting between you and your spouse.

When you ask a question, watch the way your spouse moves his or her body. Do you detect a twitch of the eyes, tap of the finger or nervous glance?

PRACTICE THE 10 SECOND SILENCE METHOD

Look directly at his or her eyes. Before you answer any of your spouse’s questions, practice silently counting to 10. Silence is a great way of discovering other people’s secret thoughts and true feelings. Most people cannot stand a silence and will blurt out things. Silence is golden and it pushes them to reveal what they are really thinking and feeling.

At your meeting also be aware of a change of tone of voice, expression, gesture and or any movement of your spouse’s body. Is your spouse weighing his or her words carefully? Do they hesitate before they speak, knowing that a slip of the tongue may prove disastrous for them?

POLITELY INTERRUPT
Casually throw an unexpected question and watch the reaction when you caught your spouse off guard. Are they composed? Are they stammering, looking at the floor or appearing unsure of themselves? Are they using the defensive or argumentative method?

AFFIRMATION LIGHTBULB FOR SELF THE PROCEDURE

You may wish to do your Master Relationship Affirmation in a special place, such as a garden, meadow, tree house, arbour, or anywhere you feel comfortable and at peace.

In your mind visualize a huge, giant light bulb in front of you. Make it large enough to step inside. It is complete with door and handle. Open the glass door and go inside. You can see through it in all directions. Just inside the door, there is a panel of push buttons.

Press the indigo button and this colour will then fill your Affirmation Light Bulb, penetrating the atmosphere and enabling you to breathe in the power of indigo, which is forgiveness.

An Affirmation is a positive statement saying exactly what you desire in your life. Now take the forgiveness affirmation you have written and place it in a soft, golden cloud and allow it to float up and out the large fresh air vent at the top of the Affirmation Light Bulb. Release it with loving kindness and detachment into the Universe and visualize you being saturated in wonderful, peaceful forgiveness from top to bottom. Your Forgiveness Exercise could be:

“I your name now forgive my spouse for betraying our love. I am now doing my part to rebuild our Relationship on a solid foundation of trust, honest, and loving kindness to the good of all. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

I fully accept
Signed ___________________ Dated ____________

Use The Affirmation Light Bulb as a safe and sacred place in which to forgive, talk openly to yourself, take responsibility for your part (if any) in the situation and say exactly how you would like to see it solved. After you have forgiven and feel that it is complete and after you have decided that you really want this relationship/marriage to work, then push the pink button and allow the color of love to saturate you and immediately extend that emotion of love, in your mind, to your spouse or lover.

Now mentally harden the material around the bulb so that no one can come in or see you. Bring in the five senses.

See a huge wicker chair, covered with large indigo and pink pillows. Hear soothing music Sit down in the chair and feel your body sink into deep relaxation. Smell the sweet fragrance of flowers. Pop a tasty mint into your mouth to complete the experience of the five senses.

YOUR SPOUSE/PARTNER ASKS FOR FORGIVENESS

Your partner is very sorry and asking for forgiveness and swears they will never do it again. They promise to break off the affair immediately and have nothing to do with the other woman/man and swear that they will do everything in their power to earn your trust and forgiveness and to rebuild your relationship/marriage. They agree to relationship marriage counseling. They beg you to forgive them and to give them another chance and you really believe them and feel in your heart that he or she is sincere and will really work on rebuilding your marriage.

ACTION
Now go within, search and find out if you feel that you were somewhat to blame.
Did you work all the time?
Did you ignore your spouse?
Did you nag or put him or her down?
Did you treat them with disrespect?
Did you try and control them?
Did you try to change or make them over?
Were you selfish and always wanted everything your way?
Did you consider the other person?

After truthfully finding the answer to these questions –
Ask yourself
Now for ‘The $64,000 Question’ –
Do I really want to my relationship /marriage to work?
Do I want out?
Do I want to work hard at rebuilding something I feel I did not break?
Is the hurt too deep that I cannot stand it?

Will I keep seeing pictures in my mind of my spouse and that other person enjoying candle light dinners, shows, and making love?

Will these pictures of betrayal ever fade or will they be tattooed on my mind permanently?

Can I ever trust him or her again?
Are they being truthful with me?

IF YOUR PARTNER IS IN LOVE WITH THE OTHER PERSON

Your partner says he or she is in love with someone else and wants to divorce and get on with life with that other person. This gives you no choice and after you have completed the forgiveness process, but to release, forgive and let go of your marriage or relationship. Now it is your time to make a new life for you to either (a) live alone or (b) affirm for and attract a new relationship into your life. There is no right or wrong way, only the chosen way.

If your spouse truly wants to stay with you and work on your relationship
marriage and most importantly if you answered ‘Yes,' that you really do wish this relationship to work, then forgive. It is a simple as that.

I really think the biggest and most asked question is WHY?
Why did you do it?
Why did you have to cheat with my best friend, sister, etc?
Are you in love with him or her?
How dare he/she cheat on me after all I have done for them?Do you still want to be married to me?
Are you planning on moving out?

When did it start?
How did the affair start?
Are you sorry you cheated?
Do you wish to work on rebuilding our relationship/marriage?
Determine in your own mind if he/she is being truthful with you and the answers. Now may be a good time to take a short cooling off period.

DAY SEVEN
The Rebuilding Process -- The Power of Affirmations

AND YOU MAY ASK, ‘JUST WHAT IS AN AFFIRMATION’?

An affirmation is similar to a prayer, wish, or goal—only it is more structured, focused, and specific. It is also an order for change, a decree, or statement. Affirmations are based on positive thinking, belief, and faith. To affirm is to make firm. Simply put, the basis of all affirmations is positive thinking.

The proper use of the Affirmations Process allows you to take control of your life. If you ever had a birthday cake blew out the candles and made a wish—you have done an affirmation.

MASTER SELF-LOVE AFFIRMATION
“I, (your name), deserve to love and now truly do love myself. It is easy for me to love, respect, and approve of others and myself. All my cells and whole body are bathed in love. I love myself with the divine love of God. I am happy, loving, loved, and lovable. I am all happy, to the good of all parties concerned. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
I accept
Signed: _______________ Dated _______________


When you date and sign this Master Affirmation, you have made a firm and binding contract with your higher self, God, Universal Mind, Creator, or whomever you believe in.

When you have completed your Affirmation of Self-Love, Your Affirmation of Forgiveness and really feel the love from you going to you, then together create your Rebuilding Master Affirmation of Love and Happiness.

Create your Master Affirmation together with input from each Partner/spouse.

MASTER AFFIRMATION TO REBUILD YOUR MARRAIGE
“My spouse and I now build on a firm and solid foundation of renewed trust, faithfulness and love for each other. We are learning to communicate openly and to trust one another. We overcome any problems of the past and realize that they are history. We let the past go. Today is another new, glorious day. We freely and fully forgive one another. We love, respect and approve of each other just the way we are. We give each other loving kindness and respect. We are happy living in the now, to the good of all parties concerned. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

We Agree:
Signed ________________ Dated _______________
Signed ________________ Dated _______________

Congratulations—YOU deserve a medal! You have been faithful in your forgiveness work and it has paid off in that happy, committed and loving Relationship/Marriage. You have now built a solid foundation of forgiveness, releasing, trust and love for one another. Treasure and take good care of each other!

And please remember that "Affirmations When Properly Done Always Work!"